And you walk under the streetlights...

And it starts...

sometime around midnight

or at least that's when

you lose yourself

for a minute or two

As you stand...

under the barlights

and the band plays some song

about forgetting yourself for a while

and the piano's this melancholy soundcheck

to her smile

And that white dress she's wearing

you haven't seen her 

for a while

But you know...

that she's watching

She's laughing, she's turning

she's holding her tonic like a crux

The room suddenly spinning

she walks up and asks how you are

so you can smell her perfume

you can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there's a change...

in your emotions

and all of these memories come rushing

like feral waves to your mind

of the curl of your bodies

like two perfect circles entwined

and you feel hopeless, and homelss

and lost in the haze

of the wine

And she leaves...

with someone you don't know

but she makes sure you saw her

she looks right at you and bolts

As she walks out the door

your blood boiling

your stomach in ropes

and when your friends say what is it

you look like you've seen a ghost

And you walk...

under the streetlights

and you're too drunk to notice

that everyone is staring at you

and you so care what you look like

the world is falling

around you

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

and you know that she'll break you

in two 

Maybe I only look out the window when it's scenic...

It feels like I have been away so long, but in reality, it has only been a brief period.

Sometimes life throws you curves that you just can't see coming. That really just is the way that it goes. People, feelings, times change. And really, you can't get too thrown off by it, lest it turn you into a pile of weirdness. And speaking from the experiences I have had over the last week, feeling like a pile of yucky weird is just no good. 

As said by Marilyn Monroe:

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

This has been the train of thought keeping me together the last week, and it really does help somehow. It really feels like everything leading up to today has been the kick in the ass that I have needed. 

Life is hard. 

That is just the way it is. 

I personally do not believe that everyone and everything is inherently good, "good" is a decision. 

This could be a misguided train of thought, but truly, it all comes down to people making decisions for themselves. We all control ourselves, or at the least, we control our actions, and that is something that can never be taken away.

So when life throws you something like a proverbial slap in the face, take it with a grain of salt. Conduct yourself however feels appropriately, and attempt to maintain your dignity as best you can. 

Be bold and speak your mind.

This is where I am at this moment in time.

Life is what you make of it, and sometimes it is very painful and unpleasant to deal with.

Only do something if it agrees with your own sense of reason. 

"I keep a close eye on my pets, because they make most of their moves off of instinct and sense.

Its eat, sleep, fuck, in self-defense so straight you can set your clocks and place bets..."

(Atmosphere- Trying to find a balance)

lovelove.

Cocktail parties...

Tonight I went with my mom to a "cocktail party" which was hosted by a girl that she works with. There was some pretty decent conversation, a clothes swap, and a friend of the host, who did a little product demonstration for a company that she works for. It was pretty nice, I got an ultra soft knitted sweater with a hood and a basic black polo shirt, because I figure that they are both things that I can make good use of.

This was my first clothes swap, and it wasn't really what I had been expecting, but it was fairly entertaining. Probably because it was also a cocktail party.

I will try and post a picture later of what I wore, but as of right now I am trying to figure out my living situation, so internet is more difficult to use. And it is considerably difficult for me to not use my own computer, and have to use that of my parents to do all the things that I normally do.

It will all hopefully be sorted out very soon.

I am trying very hard to make my life and feelings more positive at the moment, (in light of recent events) and its very difficult, but I know that if I just sit around and mope I will only feel worse than I already do.

If anyone has any suggestions or helpful hints, please feel free to let me know.

And now I am going to share some things that I have been religiously putting into practice for some time.

These are some excellent style tips that I have figured out over time...

♥ Change your hair. It doesn't have to be a major change, just try different things. (DONT USE BOX COLOR THOUGH!)

♥ If you are having a shitty day, wear something that always makes you feel amazing. Even if it is just one piece... I like shoes.

♥ Buy "STATEMENT PIECES" and wear them with neutrals to add a pop.

♥ If you wear eyeliner on the top lid, extend the line the entire length of your eye to avoid making eyes look smaller.

♥ The last statement brings me to this... if you are unable to apply liquid eyeliner in a smooth and straight, correct manner, then for the love of all that is holy, please DO NOT WEAR LIQUID EYELINER AT ALL.

♥ Don't worry about the nasty look you get from someone that you don't know, it will just make things worse.

So there it is. Now go out and try to apply my suggestions (some that I have borrowed from others and some that I have collected in my own expericences) to your life.

They might make your day just that much more interesting.

lovelove.

Sometimes things change...

And I really wish that they wouldn't.

But I guess I really only have so much say.

I am moving.

And it scares the shit out of me.

I don't even know where I am going, or how, or what im going to do.

And all I can feel is pressure and uncertainty.

Pressure from people, pressure in my head.

Pretty much everything.

I'm so scared of all these major changes at once.

I wish that I felt that I could deal with them as positive changes... but I'm too terrified I guess.

I hate feeling like this.

Teen angst in the 20's?

For some reason, every time my day starts out well, I seem to fall flat on my ass by the end.

Despite the fact that I woke up with probably less than 2 hours of sleep under my belt, I was in a pretty chipper mood.

And by noon, I had been fairly productive, and was feeling pretty decent about my day. Even good. Then today of all days, the shit hit the fan and I am now pretty much left feeling like a pile of menstural-stricken, hurt, angsty mess.

I thought that after you were out of your teens, angst was supposed to go away.

Apparently that is a huge misconception.

No, OBVIOUSLY it is.

Because I sure am feeling it.

I hate crying.

I especially hate it when it pretty much takes up half of my day.

When not only does it drain me of my energy, it makes me sound stupid when attempting to talk, causes me to look like an idiot when the person driving next to me looks over to see me sobbing like a fool, but it also makes me feel like an incredible douchebag all at the same time.

Oh god.

What the fuck happend.

And why do I feel the need to babble on about it now.

And why can't life just be like you see in movies, when there is undoubtably a happy ending.

I've felt the need to barf on several occasions today, and have done so.

So pretty much whatever dignity I felt that I had left, is now entirely gone.

FUCK.

Ok. Sorry, I didn't really want to bring this to that level. Shit just happens sometimes I guess.

And writing this now has hopefully prevented me from making any stupid decisions for the rest of my evening.

Now I suppose it is time for a cigarette, and then try to sleep so that my buzzing mind will quiet for the time being. Though that tends to be what makes falling asleep hard in the first place.

I just wish I knew the right thing to do.

lovelove.

Tiny dancer...

Just so you know... 

Timothy the turkey and myself are tight... probably just because I don't care for turkey.

And meats in general.

Sometimes I take unflattering photographs of myself... and post them on the internet. 

Todays outfit... 

wearing...
magenta, teal and blue stripe mens button-up: used to be my dads
thick argyle tights: betsy johnson
silver 5 inchers: a gift from meg
black leather belt: stolen from another shirt
jewelry: vintage/ custom

Also, please note my companion ceramic bunny.

I call him Elroy. 

I don't know where all these animals keep coming from, but I enjoy it lots.

(Seriously, its like they multiply and materialize from nowhere.)

Alright, you might not know it, but I love Elton John.

And this is my favorite song...

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man
Ballerina, you must have seen her dancing in the sand
And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand

oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly, slowly 

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

If you have never heard this song, please listen to it.

Its amazing, and I swear that I get chills every time I hear it.

It would be on the soundtrack to my life.

Which come to think of it, I will probably have to put together and post, as it will probably be silly and a really awkward combination of songs.

As for now, I'm off to try and tackle a bit of cleaning.

lovelove.

Humorous marital tests, cleaning my room, and other such stuff...

I am beginning to think that the bedroom needs to be cleaned desperately. 

Really and truly, the shit is getting out of control. 

And my lists of things to do are everywhere.

I do believe it is time for a larger living space.

X10! 

See examples 1 and 2... which come to look at them now, don't really do justice to how terrible the room look as a whole.

I'll post pictures of it clean once I get up the courage to tackle it... 

And now for a bit of humor...

Boo and I decided that it would be really silly to take the "marital rating scale" test, which was created in 1939. There is a list of merits and demerits, some of which are common sense, others just really tend to date the time period when this test was created. The results were pretty ridiculous, and some of the questions were as follows:

(Husband) 

DEMERITS:

"Compares wife unfavorably to his mother and other wives"

(Other wives? WTF.)

"Teases wife of fatness, slowness, etc."

(Slowness? Really? And this etc. ...obviously there are many other ways can you make your spouse feel shitty as well.)

"Writes on tablecloth with pencil."

(Who does this? I mean, if you're going to do it, go all out for christ sake and use a pen.)

MERITS:

"Ardent lover- sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress."

(Marital congress? When was sex last called that?)

"Gives wife real movie kisses, not just a dutiful peck on the cheek."

(Real movie kisses... not like fake movie kisses.)

(Wife)

DEMERITS:

"Seams in hose are crooked."

(When was the last time this was of large concern? And why is it such a big deal? Shit happens, stockings get a little out of whack. The world doesn't stop turning. Really.)

"Wears red nail polish."

(Whoa- is that RED polish you have on? You devil woman you!)

"Uses slang or profanity."

(Oh snap... I would make someone very unhappy.)

MERITS:

"Laughs at husbands jokes and clowning."

(Ohmigod. CLOWNING? ...no.)

"Dresses for breakfast."

(Again- umm not unless I'm leaving the house. And maybe not even then.)

"Sympathetic- of children and unfortunates." 

(Unfortunates? What exactly does this even mean?)

Case in point?

This was really amusing, and I would make a horrendous wife, as I do most of the things that warrant demerits... and very few things that are merit worthy.

I received 17 out of 100 points... 100 being the best.

Apparently I suck at being a good 1930's housewife.

If you care to take this test, or to see more of it, you can find it here.

In other news, this week and the next may be fairly busy for me. 

I've got lots of hair to do and I will be taking my dad in for surgery on Friday, along with potential work stuff... I'm taking Boo back and forth tomorrow probably because the little Jetta that could needs a bit of work done apparently... (insert bummer face here.) But I am happy to chauffeur for a bit. It makes me feel more productive than I actually am. (now insert the tacky wink here.)

Then the next week is figuring out Thanksgiving shit, AND my best friend is coming home for a few days for a visit and I plan to spend lots and lots of time with her if possible! Which, come to think of it, I may need to figure out if I am supposed to be picking her up when she gets in to town. Oops. Way to be on top of things. 

(Thats ok, there is still time... right?)

 Please do try to bare with me if I seem a bit... lacking?

Scatterbrained?

Intense?

Frazzled? 

All of the above at once perhaps... and more than usual? 

Well I must be off now. 

lovelove.

OH! 

PS. The new episodes of True Blood and Dexter were probably the only other highlights of my day today. That... and buying pomegranates and red bull, which I gorged myself on. SO GOOD!